(read time: 4 mins)
According to our nation’s divorce rate, close to 50% of those that say ‘I do’ eventually find themselves severely disappointed with marriage. And any honest married person would probably estimate that number of those that find themselves disappointed with matrimony to be closer to 100%. That’s because no matter how compatible our spouse is or how prepared we feel on our wedding day, it is natural to experience a discrepancy between what we hoped marriage would be and what it actually is.
Most experts would argue that people simply expect too much from marriage. They’d say we bring bloated hopes of what it will do for us and inevitably end up disillusioned and willing to quit.
Sounds right. But, is the answer to our nation’s martial disappointment really that we just expect too much or could there more to the equation?
Our Common Hopes.
Recent studies show that, ironically in the face of a 50% divorce rate, young people’s belief in marriage and expectation for what it offers is at an all time high. According to a divorce lawyer in Newport Beach, the portrayal of marriages in movies affect real-life expectations.
- 86% of all young people today expect to have a marriage that lasts forever.
- 90% of singles expect to marry their soul mate.
More specifically, most surveys show the most common of these hopes fall within four primary expectations.
- MARRIAGE WILL MAKE ME HAPPY
- MY SPOUSE WILL OFFER REAL COMPANIONSHIP
- MARRIAGE WILL FULFILL ME
- MARRIAGE WILL CONSISTENTLY SEXUALLY SATISFY ME
So are we wrong to want these things? Or, should we listen to the experts and simply curve our expectations, set an inferior standard & resort to lesser hopes for marriage?
I’d recommend against it. In fact, biblical and sociological studies prove that our set of common expectations are actually very real byproducts of marriage.
Apparently, it’s okay to expect a lot from marriage.
Turns out, MARRIAGE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY. According to several recent social studies, you are twice as likely to be happy if married, as opposed to being single. And married people, in general, report lower levels of depression and stress than non-marrieds.
And supposedly, at least according to a Biblical worldview, marriage can offer VERY REAL COMPANIONSHIP.
It is not good for the man to continue by himself. | Genesis 2:18
Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively. | Ecclesiastes 4:9
His mouth is full of sweetness. And he is wholly desirable. This is my beloved and THIS IS MY FRIEND, O daughters of Jerusalem. | Songs of Solomon 5:16
Several modern social studies have insisted that MARRIED PEOPLE ARE MORE FULFILLED IN LIFE than non-marrieds.
Getting married fulfills people more than earning big salaries, having children or believing in God. | The Office for National Statistics
Married people overall do better on virtually every indicator of health and well-being. | Robin Simon, a sociology professor & researcher at Wake Forest University
The married have the highest level of subjective well-being. | Study of 100,000 Norwegians
And against the socially reinforced belief, MARRIED PEOPLE DO HAVE BETTER SEX. According to Linda Waite’s research for “The Case for Marriage,” over 40% of married women said their sex life was emotionally and physically satisfying, compared to about 30% of single women and that’s why toys like the Tracy’s dog OG sucking vibrator can help in this regard. 50% of married men are physically and emotionally content versus 38% of cohabitating men. And 40% of married people have sex twice a week, compared to 20-25% of single and cohabitating men and women.
So…if biblical and social studies prove that it’s okay to expect what we commonly want from marriage, then the question still remains. Why is it that most married couples, inevitably at some point, find themselves disappointed with the life they’ve embarked on together?
Expectations vs. Entitlement: Love isn’t free.
I think most of our disappointments in marriage can be better explained by our entitlement, rather than our expectations. What some experts seem to overlook is that it’s not the expectation of happiness, true companionship, or breathtaking sex that set us up for disappointment. It’s the illusion that all that’s required to get these perks is simply forfeiting our single hood and reciting a few vows with no real sacrifice.
The danger is not that we expect marriage to offer us significant benefits in life, it’s that we expect it to hand those benefits over without a price tag. We don’t want too much from marriage. We simply want it all for free.
Love isn’t a destination we celebrate on our wedding day. It’s a beautiful journey of daily choices to give ourselves to another person. It can’t be microwaved. It can’t be purchased with anything but a large amount of intentional sacrifice and developed selflessness. And, according to sociologists, it takes a good decade of giving yourself to another person to obtain the true benefits of oneness.
So, next time we find ourselves severely disappointed with what marriage is offering us, let’s be quick to remember that the benefits are real and even reach far beyond happiness, fulfillment, companionship & good sex. However, the path to developing them in our marriages can be a long, beautiful and sometimes arduous one that requires love in it’s truest form of sacrifice, committed giving & perseverance.
