There is no such thing as “The One.”

Author TY WARD

5 Min Read

Gary Thomas Debunks 3 Common Myths That Most Millennial’s Believe About Marriage.

After polling my online community about the most helpful marriage resource they’ve found, I was shocked to see a book title I had never heard of show up in 1/4 of their responses. That book was Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas.

Naturally, I tabbed over to Amazon, made the purchase, spent the next couple days reading, and then reached out to Gary for an interview.

Quickly in to our time, I was thrilled to realize that Gary was no typical marriage counselor and seemed to actually enjoy life & conversation – beyond just offering formulas and making points. It didn’t take us long to veer off topic, where we landed on some golden thoughts about common myths young people believe about marriage. I thought it to be too good not to share.

Press play to watch 10 mins of the interview or see my highlights below.

MYTH: The One.

HISTORY. The idea of “THE ONE” and a “soul mate” comes originally from Plato, the Greek philosopher.

In his book, the Symposium, his character Aristophanese suggests that the reason romantic attraction is generally so strong, was because at one point, we were all round people. Rather, we all were both male & female, and because of this, the human race became too powerful. So, Zeus split humans in two with the intention that we’ll spend our time trying to find our other half and won’t threaten the gods.

Sounds about right, eh?

REALITY. The spouse you spend your life with is your choice.

With as little as the Bible talks about initially getting married, it implies that it is a choice based on character & faith – not feelings or destiny.

She is free to marry anyone she wishes, as long as they’re in the Lord. | 1 Corinthians 7

(Note: The debunking of this myth 5 years ago led me to immediately propose to my wife. I spent the majority of our dating relationship waiting for God to tell me she was THE ONE. He finally clued me into the fact that love is a choice, and I made the jump. It was a much needed debunking that led to one of the better decisions I’ve made in life.)

MYTH. God will bring the right person at the right time.

REALITY. We have a role to play in FINDING and choosing our spouse.

If someone came out of high school and said if God wants me to go to college, the University of Texas will contact me. Or when they graduate college, they simply sit around waiting for a call from Bill Gates to go and work for Microsoft? Obviously, this is not how getting a job works. Turns out that marriage doesn’t work this way either.

A good woman is hard to FIND… | Proverbs 31

MYTH. My feelings are a primary indicator that he/she is a good choice for a spouse.

We’ve been so inundated with teaching on how blinding sexual impurity before marriage can be, yet never warned about the detriment of emotional infatuation. Science tells us that romance lasts 12-18 months and inevitably fades. In those 12-18 months, you’re officially infatuated and prone to idealization. You stop seeing who the person actually is. You find yourself so busy trying to get them and keep them that you don’t have any emotional energy or value to truly tell if they’re worth getting or keeping. You ascribe strengths to them that they don’t have and you marry someone that doesn’t actually exist.

REALITY. Strong feelings of romance are a 12-18 month chemical reaction that often cause us, in our vulnerable, to make stupid choices.

When you marry based on idealism and romantic infatuation, you will inevitably land on the thought “He/She is not who I thought He/She was.” You married someone you didn’t know.

God created the neurochemical processes in our mind, but it’s foolish to bet our life on it. We must make this choice on a biblical and wise basis.

Gary comes out & makes some bold statements here about things many of us have thought to be longstanding truths. Is there anything he said that you either strongly agree or disagree with? Speak your mind below.

atxutexas05

This is AWESOME! Thank you so much!
robharvey

Good thing I married a stunningly beautiful and selfless woman. She’s the one for me!
A sickle

I agree with much of what Gary is saying. I’m wondering though, where the will of God for the believer comes into play. Wouldn’t it be better if Christians, Millennials or not, are taught how to discern the voice (leading) of the Lord in everyday affairs? I think the choice of a job and especially a marriage partner should be based more on God’s leading, than a choice made from a diligent search. We soon take the glory for things God longs to be honored with in our lives. I agree that we eventually choose. But if making the right choice is key to fulfilling our individual destinies, I’m sure God wants to be actively involved. How to get Him in on it should be a primary pursuit of every Church for its members. Teach believers to learn how God speaks to them!!

Thanks for the video clip.
https://www.tylerwardis.com/ tyler ward

She’s certainly a keeper Rob… 🙂
https://www.tylerwardis.com/ tyler ward

Of course! Thrilled it hit home…
https://www.tylerwardis.com/ tyler ward

A, I completely agree that God wants to be actively involved and that the choice is more of a partnership with God than a solo journey.

In the first two myths, I believe Gary was speaking to the passive tendency to believe that we have no role to play in the process. And, i think the third myth does deal with us trying to make the choice without the voice or wisdom of God involved.

Thoughts?

Thanks for the well thought out comment A.
Shawn Bolz

I agree, great article Cherie and I loved it
https://www.tylerwardis.com/ tyler ward

Thx Shawn. Reminiscent of the wise words of a man standing on a stage in the backyard of a home in the Hollywood hills 🙂
David Carden

Wow! What an interview. Reading the description of how Thomas’ book positions the conversation on marriage is so enticing. It is difficult to deny and argue when someone is speaking from the podium of truth coupled with great life experience. I’m pretty blown away right now.

Appreciate this interview all that you continue to share with us, Tyler!
https://www.tylerwardis.com/ tyler ward

He’s got some GREAT material. He’s also about to re-release Sacred Marriage with some new content. Thanks for tuning in DC…
https://www.tylerwardis.com/ tyler ward

Was anyone else struck the same way as A by the interview? If so, it might be fun to write a followup post…
Kailee

Just what I needed! <3
@navigatingsolo

I think Christians tend to view decision-making, especially when it comes to a mate, with a lot of mysticism; we look for peace, a word from the Lord, or for the Lord to speak specifically into our lives about a non-moral decision. I don’t want to minimize the importance of waiting on God and submitting to the Holy Spirit, but I also think that God gave us common sense for a reason. We are able to look at situation, size up the pros and cons, and make a logical choice. Again, I do realize that as humans,we are flawed and cannot see every possible outcome. So it is important to seek godly counsel and listen to the Lord because sometimes He does lead us in a different direction than our common sense might.
As a single, I have had innumerable conversations with people who say they are waiting on God to bring the right one into their life. I’ve always wondered what they do when they need a new job. You don’t just sit around and wait for God to bring the right job along. You go out and look for a job that suits your temperament, education, and interests. And you submit your choices to the Lord. I don’t believe that He will necessarily speak to you about every non-moral decision you make. It’s easy to use “I’m waiting on God” as an excuse not to commit to any course of action.
Dr. Thomas makes some great points about the misconceptions single people have about marriage and looking for a mate.
I recently read Dr. Thomas’s book, written for singles, called “The Sacred Search.” He goes in much more detail into the three points above. It is the absolute best, most liberating book on Christian relationships I have ever read.
James Orred

Truth Tyler. You tell it like it is.
The One Jesus Loves

I think when Christians and non Christians think of the idea of “the one”…God in not even in all their thought simply because it is a secular driven idea. i believe in the right one god has for me but i don’t believe there is a specific person created out there for me….or the one as we often hear in movies.
Just as we do everything by faith IN Christ…WE MARRY BY FAITH TOO! and faith is a choice therefore finding the one for a Christian must be by choice also not by some providence ..which in effect takes away the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
https://www.tylerwardis.com/ tyler ward

Great recommendation @navigatingsolo:disqus on the book for singles, thanks!
https://www.tylerwardis.com/ tyler ward

Love it.
http://www.chancescoggins.com/ chance

It’s your choice – you’re free to choose, yes. But with all that God has to say about lesser things, wouldn’t He lead the desires of those who are seeking Him to the exact right person at the exact right time? If God has specific hopes and plans for your life, certainly they would be profoundly impacted by who you marry. Not to mention the fact that this specific man + this specific woman = this specific child.

There is order in all things. Surely if He’d take the time to count the hairs on our head, He is concerned with something so paramount as “the one”.

I’m no expert and full respect where it’s due.
http://www.chancescoggins.com/ chance

I love your ps, Tyler. I had the same exact experience. I waited for a word from God that never came. And in giving up listening for a voice I couldn’t hear, I found and took hold of the needed faith that has carried me this far – and will hopefully lead me on.

But even in that, I see the ordered, steady hand of God leading me to the perfect one for me. Even before we were married, she was a catalyst in my life.
sean kelly

I just sent this to every single girl I went to youth group with …

good subject to cover ty! loved the insight here and the effort to shift our thinking to a Godly perspective!
https://www.tylerwardis.com/ tyler ward

Love that you had the same experience chance!

Also, very much agree that God has all kind of connection to and involvement w the process. However, as you said, I think he loves to give us choice in the end.
Deb B

The myth of “the one” is quickly debunked when you think of people (like Elizabeth Elliot, for example) who have been widowed or who are widowers and then remarry (sometimes more than once) and have successful, happy marriages each time. Which one of their beloved spouses was “the one”?
http://www.chancescoggins.com/ chance

Dude, I would love to follow this rabbit trail sometime. We should talk it out because it has so many implications in all facets of our lives. Next coffee…or maybe the one after that. We still have a lot to cover. Great interview! 🙂
https://www.tylerwardis.com/ tyler ward

Great thought. Thanks!
https://www.tylerwardis.com/ tyler ward

Ha! They need it. 🙂

TY WARD

I write to make sense of life, business & relationships. I publish in hopes of helping you do the same.

http://tyward.co

There is no such thing as “The One.”

MYTH: The One.

MYTH. God will bring the right person at the right time.

MYTH. My feelings are a primary indicator that he/she is a good choice for a spouse.

Stop Protecting Yourself.

Do we expect too much from marriage?